The Gift of Listening
How Empathic Listening Can Change Your Life, and Someone Else's 

by Thom Bond

Three people looked at a Monet painting. One noticed the cypress trees drifting into invisibility. Another noticed the calm character of the water. While the third noticed the chip on the side of the frame. I’d like to think we can choose what we see and what we listen for and by so doing change the very nature of our experience. I have learned I can listen for thoughts, ideas, opinions or judgments, or I can listen for life energy in the form of feelings and underlying needs and values. 

Listening to Thoughts

I think it was Marshall Rosenberg who said, “There are no jackal (judgment) words just jackal ears”. That phrase helps me remember I can choose what to hear. I can notice judgments or I can notice the needs that are causing them. The other evening, a friend of mine was saying how another friend of ours was “flaky” and “too impulsive.” 

Since I did not agree with this assessment I was a little annoyed and my first thought was “Wow what a judgmental attitude, he’s projecting all his stuff on our friend." Luckily, I did not say these words. Instead, I noticed that I thought them and also noticed that I was feeling annoyed . I say luckily because I don’t imagine it was about to go well. These two signals; 1. My judgment thought (that he was being judgmental) and 2. My annoyance, let me know I was disconnecting. I realized I was wanting more connection and understanding. I figured I was not likely to get it by listening to his thoughts and judgments or my assessment of them. By doing that I would likely disconnect further. 

Listening for Feelings and Needs 

Because of my NVC practice I have an alternative for myself. I can listen for feelings and needs. Through empathy I can listen for them and make them the focus of our interaction.

With some presence and focus on my part, the conversation turned toward other things like how he just didn’t understand why our friend did what he did. We discovered he wanted more connection, clarity and as it turned out inclusion. The conversation began to slow and our thoughts, ideas and judgments gave way to our awareness for clarity, connection and inclusion. Talking about these things felt so much better than talking about how “flaky” or “impulsive” or “judgmental” someone is. And when the needs and not the judgments were in our awareness we could connect deeply about something we valued in our lives. Even think of ways to address those needs through requests. 

It might not seem like that big of a deal, and it may not always seem so simple, yet in that split second of shifting into empathy, what could have been an argument, became a rather heart-warming exchange. 

I am deeply grateful for the difference NVC and empathy make in my life everyday with my friends, family and myself.
If you want to experience more NVC, you can go online to www.theexercise.org or check out our upcoming Introductory and Empathy Intensives.
Hope to Listen to you soon. Love, Thom